InsaneJournal

The Assessment Center, or The Contortions You Have to Go Through When You Want Money from the State
Hehee, I can’t believe I forgot to post this! Oh, man. Seems my memory isn’t all that good after all, eh? To start from the beginning:

I passed my M.A. finals in July but haven’t been able to find a job. Crisis, and all that. So, being unable to pay such trifling things like rent or health insurance from no income, I applied to The Tax Payer to give me some money. They were very gracious and did so, but before they did, I had to attend the “Assessment Center” (say, is that a genuine English word, or another fabulous German creation like “Oldtimer”? [you guys would say vintage car]). There, psychologists observed and studied me to help me find my strengths and weaknesses, and to discover how they could help me find a job.

Certainly very nice, only, you know, I’m quite aware of my strengths and weaknesses and I know how to write a CV in MS Word. But I had to go, and so I went. And now here it is:



Day One: Monday
Introduction of the team.
Psychologist: Hey, my name is MM. I’m not supposed to be standing here, doing this, but the guy who should be here doing this is home sick. So is about everybody else. So they told me to do this. BTW, I’m your psychologist.

Afterwards: learning how to look for jobs online.
Team: Ooh! Aah! … Wait, this is a mouse??
Cira: *routinely searches and soon is bored*

During the day: one-on-one introduction talk with psychologist.
Psychologist: Um, hey, Cira. You’re an academic, you’re really being here for nothing, you know.
Cira: Yes, thank you, that makes me feel better.


Day Two: Tuesday
Team work day. Group’s split into two teams and ordered to plan vacation for a youth group – transport, housing, programme.
Cira’s conclusion: Cira hogs hog most of the work, whines and bitches at the others until they do their stuff, and the group presentation ends in Cira giving a fifteen minute lecture.
Psychologists’ conclusion: Cira thinks ahead and plans in detail. She manages to motivate her team members and is respectful of their ideas and input. She has no trouble speaking in front of people. Unexpected questions make her uneasy.

Yeah, I know. Happened in my final oral exam in English, too. Still walked out with an A. So there.


Wednesday
Work test thingy. We’re being shuffled off to do some stuff where they test how well we follow orders, think our task through, etc.
Test: Here, you get this pencil, water level, folding rule, and this paper with a geometrical pattern. Please use your tools to paint this pattern 1:10 onto this very nice white wall.
Cira: Ooookay. Um. How do I do this? There are too many lines in this pattern. They confuse me. What do I do next? Help me! Oh, thank you, Mr Nice Young Man Working Outside My Nice White Cubicle! That’s very kind of you, to do my work for me! No, really, I appreciate your help. But look, the lines are all wonky. What now? So, it doesn’t matter as long as I’m really careful with colouring it? …. Okay. Thank you!
Overseer: Cira plans ahead, knows how to work her way through the assignment, and though she isn’t very fast, she works very accurately. If you wanna have a decagon with two overlapping five-point-stars inside of it painted onto your white wall, call her.


Day Four: Thursday
The unofficial IQ test, and it’s unofficial because we don’t get any numbers out of it, but the tests are the same for the official IQ tests, so it really is an IQ test, but don’t tell anyone.

Test One: Concentration: Look at these patterns and decide which prove the sentences above right.
Cira: Ooh, look, hundreds of little patterns that look all alike! Click and click and click … See how many I manage … This is going to drive me crazy in 3 … 2 …
Psychologist: You got 332 patterns in the first test and 396 in the second. The average is 200-250. You’re fast!
Cira: Cool.

Test Two: Language Skills: I throw lots of words at you. Deal.
Cira: Ooh, this is nice. This is fun! Can I do some more, please?
Psychologist: Gosh, your language skills are extraordinary! Look at those results. You’re brilliant.
Cira: Hehehehe. Thank you.

Test Three: Figures: Here at some sequences of numbers. Find the patter of each and add the correct final number.
Cira: Hey, this is a lot easier than I thought. It’s fun, too. Like a puzzle.
Psychologist: You’re above average. Only 12% are better than you.
Cira: Figures.

Test Three: Mathematical skill
Cira: *tries to hide*
Test: Oh, no, you won’t! Here are lots of math word problems. Solve them!
Cira: Oh, noes! I hate this kind of thing! I could never do these in school … And how am I supposed to do it without a calculator???
Psychologist: Well, you’re pretty average average.
Cira: I know! I could never do these in school! But my math teacher in year 5 and 6, he was a bit like our school’s version of Professor Snape, you know, we were all kind of scared …

Test Four: Memory, Part I: I give you these fifteen goods with imaginary brand names, class of goods, prize, and country of origin. You’ve got eight minutes to memorise these.
Test leader: Hey, there’s a pattern there. That helps memorising.
Cira: Oh, that’s easy! Stuff ending in –en, hardware, 18,99, from Belgium; stuff ending in –an, clothes, 14,99, from Switzerland; stuff ending in –to, food, …

Test Five: stereoscopic vision: Here is a cube with a different pattern on every side. Look at those six cubes and find out which is your cube. Twisting and turning the cube may show a side that was hidden before.
Cira: Cubes. Patterns. … HELP ME!! … Pleeeeease ? …. I’m too stupid for this kind of thing.
Psychologist: Um. You fail. Pretty spectacularly.
Cira: *cries*

Test Four: Memory, Part II: Now we’ll go back and I ask you questions about the goods you memorised.
Cira … and stuff ending in –as, toys, 15,99, from Austria. Oh. You were saying?
Psychologist: Wow, your memory is phenomenal!!
Cira: *glows*

Test Six: mechanical-technical skills: Look at those diagrams and click the correct answer.
Cira: *reads* If lever x is pulled in direction y, in which direction will cogwheel z turn, a or b or both? How should I know? Just pull the damn thing!
Psychologist: You’ve got about 50% of the answers right.
Cira: Lucky guesses.

Test Seven: orthography: Here are two texts full of spelling mistakes. Please find and correct those. There are altogether 141 mistakes. Do no change punctuation.
Cira: This is the New German Orthography. Ai hatez it. Ai learned the old one. Um. Ai ken haz dicshunary, pweese??
Psychologist: Oh, I expected better from you! You missed six mistakes!
Cira: *clobbers psycho-man with dictionary*


Day Five: Friday
No one knows what’s supposed to be done today.
Random guy: Oh, hai, I’ve been randomly employed today to entertain you until it’s time to go home. Let’s go to the computer room. I’ll show you how to write your CV in MS word!
Cira: You’ve got to be kidding me!
Random guy: Look, this is how you change font type, and here you change the font size, and if you click there—
Cira: *becomes bored and reads porn*

Several hours later
Psychologist: Hey, Cira! It’s your turn for the one-on-one closing meeting!
Cira: *blinks* Huh?
Psychologist: I kept you for last. Cool, eh? I wanted the week to end on a good note!
Cira: You mean, I could have gone home ours ago if you hadn’t been thinking with the little head?
Psychologist: Here are your test results. You’re really clever. So, it wasn’t a real IQ test, but [proceeds to explain in excruciating detail how these things work]. So, I’d put your IQ somewhere between 125 and 135.
Cira: Great, I’ll be even more of an intellectual snob in the future.
Psychologist: And if you want, you can join Mensa, you know, you’re really clever. Even though you have no stereoscopic vision. Oh, by the way, I really want kids one day!
Cira: Yeah? I don’t.
Psychologist: Um. So. What am I going to write in your report?
Cira: “Cira is a big girl and can take care of herself.”
Psychologist: Hey, that’s cool! I’ll do that!
Cira: Great. Can I go home now?
Psychologist: Yeah … um …
Cira: *flees*


The End.




Oh, well. It was worth the experience. Even if only to realise that there are still people who have no idea how to use a computer. And that there are also people who would never willingly touch a book. It was surreal.